Cool Hand Culdee!

Cool Hand Culdee! is the # episode of Season 2 of CuldeeFell Shortz!

Script
SYNOPSIS - Culdee and the gang decide to go on a road trip to New Orleans, however because of a wrong turn, they bump into a crooked sherrif who arrests them for almost no reason. Now Culdee, RH, Endless and MarioFan2009 have to find a way to escape or they will be stuck in jail for the rest of their lives.

(It starts off with Culdee driving the others out of town)

RH: It was nice of Trikkiboy to let us off of work for a few days to go on vacation.

MarioFan2009: Agreed.

Culdee: Man. I'm excited for this guys! I never been to New Orleans before but I heard it's a great place.

Endless: Eh, whatever it takes to get rid of that orange haired-

(Culdee stares at Endless)

Endless: Oh sorry I forgot you were dating... Wish I did.

Culdee: So guys, what would you rather have. Lobster hands, or a snake for a tounge?

Endless: Do you mean a snake tounge or a snake FOR a tounge?

Culdee: A snake for a tounge. Which means theres a snake inside your mouth at all times.

RH: That sounded wrong in many ways.

Endless: Eh. I don't even have a mouth so i'll just go with snake tounge.

RH: Is it possible to write with lobster claws?

Culdee: Nope. You crush anything you hold.

RH: Oh.

MarioFan2009: Are the claws cookable?

RH: Okay why would you ask that question?

MarioFan2009: Hey man, i'm hungry. I hadn't eaten since we left.

Endless: We left literally 20 minutes ago. You couldn't even grab a sandwich before we left?

MarioFan2009: We were in a hurry!

Endless: Yeah. Even though it was only a few boxes.

MarioFan2009: Ugh.

RH: Enough guys! Wait a minute? Where are we?

MarioFan2009: Yeah. This doesn't look like the main highway.

RH: Did we take a wrong turn?

Endless: This is why we shouldn't have let Culdee drive.

Culdee: Hey shut your non existent mouth, I know what im doing. I just need to look at my map.

(Culdee brings out a map and looks at it. While he's reading. The car starts swerving. Endless then takes a look at the map)

Endless: ... Culdee.

Culdee: What? I'm reading the map-

Endless: IT'S UPSIDE DOWN YOU DUMBASS!

Culdee: Oh.

(Culdee flips the map right side up. But just as he does that, a police car starts tailing him)

MarioFan2009: Ah s***.

(Culdee pulls over)

Culdee: Relax guys. I heard from this hobo down the street that southern sheriffs like to be talked down by big shot northerners.

(Culdee puts on a red sweater and smokes a pipe. The sheriffs comes up to the window)

Sheriff: Afternoon.

Culdee: Officer, hwat is it? We are in a tremendous urban rush.

Sheriff: You fellas aint from around here are you?

Culdee: Hey sheriff, i'm trying to learn southern. Is this saying anything? A-DOY DOY DOY DOY!

RH: CULDEE!

(Culdee shuts up)

RH: We're sorry sir. Very and we want to cooperate to the fullest.

Sheriff: Who you calling "sir" boy? I'm an officer of the law. Paid by this county. And I can't help but to see that you got a headlight out.

Culdee: Wait I did? I didn't know-

(The sheriff grabs his baton and destroys Culdee's headlight. Everyone looks at the sheriff with a shocked face)

Sheriff: And I see that turn signal aint working neither.

(He destroys Culdee's turn signal)

MarioFan2009: Okay that is enough. We did nothing to offend you, you need to stop right-

Sheriff: You better shut your trap or your going in the slammer for life. Now I'm going to have to search your vehecle.

(The sheriff opens Culdee's trunk and places a bag of weed in there)

Sheriff: Well lookie here! What do we have in this thang?

RH: OH COME ON! You planted that there!

Culdee: We have drugs!? Holy crap why could I have been driving drunk when I could have been driving high?

Sheriff: You boys are in a lot of trouble.

(The sheriff brings out a walkie talkie)

Sheriff: This is "Sheriff Flies". We got four high drivers here. One mouthless, one blocky, one wearing a hat and one handsome.

Culdee: Yes!

Sheriff Flies: Your all coming to the station with me!

MarioFan2009: Ah s***.

RH: I can't go to jail. I promised June I'd only be gone for a 3 days.

Culdee: Guys let me handle this.

(Culdee stares the sheriff dead in the eyes)

Culdee: No.

(Culdee drives off)

Sheriff Flies: This is sheriff flies! We got runners! I repeat! We got runners!

(Culdee is seen driving through the forest)

RH: You think we lost em?

MarioFan2009: I don't see anyone. Maybe we did lose em.

Culdee: And that is how you escape the law. Haha- HOLY-

(Culdee sees a spike line and runs over it causing the tires to pop. The car is surrounded by officers pointing their guns at them)

Culdee: And that is how you not escape the law. Haha-

(Endless punches Culdee)

Culdee: Ow.

(It then cuts to Culdee and the others inside a prison bus along with many other prisoners)

MarioFan2009: I can't believe this. We have to spend 2 weeks in federal prison on trumped up charges. That trial was a total sham!

RH: True. June's gonna be so pissed.

(The bus then stops in front of a prison. The prisoners are taken out and lined up. Out of a shack comes a man with a white hat and coat holding a shotgun on his shoulder)

Warden: Greetings, gentlemen. I am the warden. Now you are all here because you are criminals. This is not a resort. You will be worked harder than you have ever been worked in your miserable, pathetic lives.

Culdee: And play harder right?

Warden: Step forward maggot.

(Culdee steps forward. An officer comes up and hits endless on the head)

Endless: OW! HEY SCREW YOU!

Warden: Next time, that will be you.

Endless: THEN WHY WASN'T IT HIM THIS TIME!?

Culdee: Oh I am soooo scared.

(Endless gets hit again)

Endless: AGH! CULDEE STOP IT!

Culdee: Yeah you feel tough with that stick don't ya-

(Culdee gets hit in the gut)

Culdee: Okay i'll stop now.

(A few hours later. Culdee and the others are seen mining rocks)

Culdee: So what do you guys wanna talk about?

Endless: When's the next chapter of "Robot Invasion: Part II".

Culdee: Oh for f***s sake.

RH: After this sentence is over, i'm gonna go with MarioFan and work on Vandal Buster Part III.

Culdee: Which reminds me I need to work on Robot Invasion: Part II soon so I can get part 3 out november this year.

Endless: Also how is "Jeffygeist" doing-

Culdee: ENDLESS I WILL SLIT YOUR THROAT WITH THIS PICKAXE!

Endless: Try me b***h.

Warden: Hey! This isn't break time! Get back to work!

(The four continue)

Endless: When will you work on FFTB again?

Culdee: ...

(It then cuts to the prisoners shovelling dirt. A man then comes up with an amazon box)

Delivery Man: Are you "CuldeeFell13"?

Culdee: Yeah that's me.

(The man gives Culdee the box. Culdee opens it up and brings out a jetpack. He puts it on)

Culdee: I'll come back for you guys, I promise.

(Culdee turns on the jetpack and flies off only to realize he's chained to the other prisoners. He runs out of feul and faceplants on the ground)

RH: Your my friend and all and i'm gonna hate myself for saying this but I wanted to see you fail.

(Two weeks later. Night falls and all the prisoners are getting ready for bed)

Culdee: Official prediction: when they let us out of here, we're gonna have to go through the prison gift shop.

RH: Oh come on!

MarioFan2009: I hate doing that.

Endless: Man...

Culdee: Yeah that's how they get you.

RH: Man it's gonna feel so good to walk out of here tommorow.

Endless: You know, time actually went by a little faster than I thought it would.

MarioFan2009: Uh, you know something? We left Pensacola to find adventure and get away from all those same day to day routines, but I'll tell you this. Looking back on it now, I don't think our lives are so bad.

Culdee: Yeah I sure do miss Human Meggy and Lil Fred. I'll tell you one thing. When I get home, I'm gonna sleep like a log.

Warden: Knock off that chit chat! It's lights out!

Culdee: Oh hey warden! Since this is our last night here, could I get a glass of milk. I like the milk here.

Warden: Last night? Where do you think your all going? Says here you got another 30 days on your sentence.

Culdee: WHAT!? But the court says were supposed to go home tommorow!

Warden: Well the court aint here. Is it? Hehehehehe.

(The warden leaves laughing maniacally)

MarioFan2009: ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? How are we supposed to do this for another 30 days!?

???: That's the way it goes around here.

(A man in his late 70s is seen near a table)

Old Prisoner: Once you come in, your never allowed to leave. I had my sentence extended to 30 days once. That was a 47 years ago.

RH: Oh my god. DID YOU HEAR THAT!? WERE GONNA BE STUCK HERE FOREVER!

MarioFan2009: Oh my god. What are we gonna do!?

Culdee: I'll tell you what i'm gonna do! Im going to find the stupidest guy in here and kick his ass! ... Wait a minute, that's me!

(Culdee punches himself. He then brings out a knife)

Culdee: OH MY GOD! I HAVE A KNIFE!

(Culdee stabs himself and collapses)

Endless: Oh, what are we gonna do?! They're gonna keep us locked up here forever!

Culdee: We're not staying in here forever. We're getting out of here.

RH: How?

Culdee: We're breaking out.

MarioFan2009: What?

Culdee: Look, sometimes in life, you got to say, "What the hell," and just go for it.

(It then cuts to the next day. The prisoners are now digging up more dirt)

RH: If we're gonna break out of here, we need to distract those guards.

MarioFan2009: I have an idea but it's not going to be pretty. Bear with me.

(MarioFan2009 then collapses)

MarioFan2009: Oh no! My legs have broken after working for too long! Do not help me I can do this myself!

Culdee: MF, stop. Your embarrasing us.

MarioFan2009: Oh really? Are they looking?

(Culdee sees that the officers are trying to igore MarioFan2009)

Culdee: No they're doing everything they can to ignore you!

MarioFan2009: Exactly. This will buy us 15 minutes of averted gazes. Now I am going to nail this home! Oh why can't I walk! Why the hell! CAN'T I WALK! THIS IS SO HUMILATING! THIS ISN'T PART OF THE ACT ANYMORE!

(An officer takes a peek)

Southern Officer 2: No don't look! If you make eye contact you have to help!

(MarioFan2009 successfully lock picks the cuffs and the four run off)

Southern Officer 1: HEY THEY'RE GETTING AWAY!

Southern Officer 3: RELEASE THE DOGS!

(An officer opens up a truck releasing a bunch of hounds who chase the four. The four run through a corn field. They later see a red truck and jump on the back succesfully escaping from the officers and hounds)

RH: Phew. We did it MarioFan2009!

Endless: Yeah nice one!

MarioFan2009: I told you they would look away.

Culdee: Yeah! That was easier then taking candy from a baby!

(The truck driver is then notices the four)

Truck Driver: What the!? GET OFF MY TRUCK!

(The driver kicks the four off of the truck and drives off. Culdee notices police cars driving nearby)

Culdee: Crap. We need to hide somewhere.

RH: Hey guys look theres a house! We can hide there!

(The four sneak up to the house and enter through an open window)

RH: Alright. We'll stay in here until the police are out of sight.

MarioFan2009: There are an awful lot of pictures of the Sheriff in this house.

Culdee: Well he's a good looking man. I bet alot of people in town have pictures of him.

(Endless then sees a car parked up to the house. Out of the car comes Sheriff Flies)

Endless: Crap! The sheriffs here!

MarioFan2009: Quick! Into the closet!

(The four run into the sheriff's closet. The sheriff enters his room and is seen loading his gun)

Culdee: ACHOO!

Sheriff: Who said that!?

Culdee: Uh. "feminin voice" Just me, sweetie.

Sheriff Flies: Oh I didn't know you were home. What are you doing in the closet?

Culdee: Um. Wife things?

Sheriff Flies: Okay well i'll only be out for a minute. Some convicts escaped the prison and i'm helping the warden track them down.

Culdee: Oh well why don't you just let them go?

Sheriff Flies: You know I can't do that.

Culdee: Your always working. Maybe you should spend more time with your family. More time with me.

Sheriff Flies: Maybe your right, hun. I do work to much. You know what? I'll let those convicts go.

Culdee: You'll do that for me?

Sheriff Flies: I'll do anything for you. I love you.

Culdee: I love you too!

Sheriff Flies: Now come out here and give me a kiss!

(Culdee runs out the closet only for RH to pull him back in)

RH: CULDEE NO!

Sheriff Flies: Wait a minute. I DON'T HAVE A WIFE!

(Sheriff Flies grabs a gun and shoots at the four. They successfully run off. However a bunch of police cars see them and chase after them. The four run the opposite direction. The officers start shooting at them)

Endless: Oh no! They're shooting at us!

Culdee: Good thing bad guys are such terrible shots!

(The officers are seen with their guns backwards shooting at Culdee and the others but failing)

Southern Officer 6: Man these guys are good dodgers.

(The four then run by a nearby train)

RH: Quick! Hop on!

(The four hop onto the train and they escape)

RH: WOO HOO!

Culdee: Yeah!

MarioFan2009: ALRIGHT!

Endless: SUCK IT NERDS! Man that was a close one!

RH: I know. I thought we wouldn't make it.

Culdee: Theres our town!

(The train then stops at Pensacola. The four then get out)

Endless: Well this has been quite an adventure.

MarioFan2009: I know. It's good to be back in familiar territory!

(Suddenly the southern officers are seen aming their guns at the four)

Sheriff Flies: Where do yall think your going?

Warden: You convicts are tresspassers of our county! And we're gonna take you back!

Sheriff Flies: What he said.

Culdee: Oh no!

???: I don't think so!

(Brooklyn Guy comes bursting out a train car)

Brooklyn Guy: Your in our territory now, Sherrif Flies!

Sheriff Flies: BROOKLYN GUY!

(A bunch more Pensacola Officers come out and point guns at the southern officers who drop their guns in defeat)

Culdee: Wait you know him!? And how did you pull this off?!

Brooklyn Guy: First of all, he was the bully in law school who was kicked out and moved to the south where he became a crooked cop. 2nd of all, MarioFan2009 was able to find a nearby payphone and call me!

MarioFan2009: No need to thank me!

(Brooklyn Guy walks up to Sheriff Flies and the Warden)

Brooklyn Guy: You know, you got some nerve coming to my town with a busted headlight.

(Brooklyn Guy destroys Flies' headlight)

Brooklyn Guy: And a busted windshield.

(Brooklyn Guy destroys the windshield)

Brooklyn Guy: And some untreated flesh wounds.

(Brooklyn Guy shoots Sheriff Flies and The Warden in the legs)

Sheriff Flies: AGH!

Warden: F***!

(Sheriff Flies and Warden lie on the ground writhing in pain)

Brooklyn Guy: You took an oath just the same as me, Sheriff. To protect and serve. Not to harass and douche. Just 'cause you have a badge doesn't mean you can treat people any way you like. And as a law enforcement professional, you have an obligation to be more ethically upstanding than the average man, not less. Now, get the hell out of my town.

(The southern officers pick up Flies and Warden and drive off in defeat)

MarioFan2009: Thanks for the help Brooklyn Guy!

Brooklyn Guy: All in a day's work! You boys have fun now.

(Brooklyn Guy and the other officers walk off)

MarioFan2009: Well it's great being back in the north where everyone is civilized.

(Lil Fred is seen driving by on a bike)

Lil' Fred: "Honk" (Hey what are you guys all on a date? GAY!"

(Lil Fred bikes off)

MarioFan2009: Well almost everyone.

Trivia

 * The plot of this episode is similar to the Family Guy episode "Cool Hand Peter"